The Sin That Destroyed My Joy

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For the past few months I have been walking in sin. 

No, I’m not pregnant. I haven’t run away. Everyone I’ve come in contact with is still alive (that I know of). But sin has been deeply rooted in my life.

When I shared this with one of my friends she said, “Katie, what are you talking about? You’re such a ‘good girl’ you’ve never done anything that bad.

That’s the problem with this world. If we haven’t committed the latest scandal, completely gone against every moral and social wrong, or physically harmed someone, it’s not “that bad.” 

However, ALL sin separates us from God. Not just the “big” sins, not just the “really bad” actions.

Don’t see what’s the big deal with “little” sins—-“good-people-sins” that don’t involve sex, drugs, or abuse?

I didn’t either.

You see, the world told me: This isn’t rebellion, this is standing up for yourself. You don’t have to comply to your parent’s wishes. You’re an adult! You don’t deserve to deal with these expectations. They’re unrealistic! You don’t have to turn off this song. Your standards are too high. 

And you know what, the world is right. I don’t.

I don’t have to choose surrender my ideals and goals to the Lord. I have a choice. I don’t have to honor my parents. I get to. I don’t have to understand God’s reasons. I can walk by faith.

You know what I don’t want more than anything else? Separation from God. 

The sin in my life has been un-surrender.

I refused to submit to the authority God has placed in my life . . . but I still wanted the blessing. I wanted MY way, AND my parents’ rubber stamp of approval. I wanted to run MY OWN life, AND experience Jesus’ pleasure.

My little self-righteous heart couldn’t see what the sin was in my life.

I could justify it.

After all, many of my friends were moving out doing what they wanted . . . girls my age were doing what they wanted . . . why was I not getting to DO WHAT I WANTED!!!*

*Side note 1: nowhere in the bible does it ever say “do what you want.”
*Side note 2: When you throw a fit and you’re 20, it’s embarrassing. 

Yet, even while was doing everything right and my stress was everyone else’s problem, my bible times were cardboard. I couldn’t even write on this blog for weeks because frankly, I had nothing to share.

Nothing.

By buying into the world’s thought process of “what I deserve” and “doing what I wanted,” I slowly began to experience death. Glittery, chintzy, slow-death. In the end, that’s all the world offers. No true freedom, just death. 

I was empty. I was a useless vessel. Right where the devil wanted me.

Praise God, I say “was.” 

Christ is SO faithful to keep pursuing—reminding us that while we chase the grand, plastic, marketing scheme of the world it is a farce. His way, his pure way of righteousness and power only requires us to do one thing. Surrender.

Give up what WE want. 

Give up what the world says “we deserve.” 

Surrender to him EVEN though it seems unconventional or straight up strange.

I don’t know what sin is separating you from God. Or maybe you’re like me, “doing everything right” yet not experiencing peace and joy. 😉 

It’s not worth it.

Please don’t shut out the unrest you feel in your soul, like I did, with business, pleasure and stuff. It took a lonely-five-hour car ride for God to have the time and space he needed to convict me of my hypocritical spirit.

Surrender is hard. But freedom is so worth it!

Surrendering my life, my plans, and my desires with you, to the one who holds our perfect futures, 

The Kathryn Joy

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “The Sin That Destroyed My Joy

  1. Kathryn,
    Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing! I am so thankful you listened to that still small voice that was wooing you back to Him! I am thankful your heart was tender to the consequences of the “small sin” in your life. When you/we give a place to Satan, those “small sins”don’t stay small….they will start getting bigger and bigger and you /we will end up where we never wanted to be! I am so thankful for your victory and I will keep you in my prayers!

    1. Amen, Cynthia! It is so important we are COMPLETELY surrendered to Jesus. Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers. Blessings! I still have such fond memories of hanging out with your family on the East coast. Hope you’re all doing well!

  2. Such good Words Kathrine. It’s not just the ‘big’ sins that matter. You’re exactly right, and thank you for being so transparent and writing this all down.
    Paul
    P.S. You’re also exactly right with side note 1 and 2. 😉

  3. I so appreciate what you shared about your heart, to see this when you are young will bring you so many blessings!!! Continue on, it is what every christian parent would want their children to see and understand about themselves!! I want this for my life to! This is a battle that is going on in today’s world, Satan is distracting us from the real things God has for us, will pray for you and all young people especially!! Although this applies to all ages!!

  4. “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk”
    Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters
    Portia Nelson

    Chapter I
    I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless. It isn’t my fault… It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter II
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter III
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall… It’s a habit… But my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

    Chapter IV
    I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

    Chapter V
    I walk down another street.

    A beautiful definition of repentance summed up in a poem which also displays our human nature to rebel. Our actions in seeking temporary “joy” is inevitably unfulfilling. We must let go or continue facing the consequences. We must surrender it all and turn back in order to walk with Him who fills our hearts with true peace and joy.

    I stumbled across your article somehow and it got me thinking. Thank you for allowing yourself to be a faithful instrument for His good work. TGBTG

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